The Sexily Sexy Adventures of Sirius Black
by Cutthroat Pixie
Summary: SiriusRemus It was a normal, average, typically boring day in the life of one Sirius Black...
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Sexily Sexy Adventures of Sirius Black  
Pairing: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin  
Summary: It was a normal, average, typically boring day in the life of one Sirius Black...  
Notes: This is pure and utter crack. Haha. Skittlez and I decided that self-narrating is so totally a Black family trait, so they all do it. Every single one. Swear to hell. Haha. So, here you go. Mostly just Sirius narrating and Remus being annoyed, with a hint of Regulus and Andromeda.

* * *

It was a normal, average, typically boring day in the life of one Sirius Black, sexiest boy, no _man, _alive. He was walking down the hall, flashing his irresistible grin at every pretty girl who happened to walk by, and causing much fainting out of pure lust for him amongst the general population.

"Sirius, the only people in the hallway are me and one of your cousins," said the ever so delusional Moony, one of Sirius' handy henchmen.

"I think the word you are looking for is _friends, _mate." Sirius laughed at Remus' foolishness, pointed out that Andromeda wasn't actually in the hallway, she was in the classroom they had just passed, and cheerfully skipped into his Potions classroom.

"Um, Padfoot… you're in a closet. Potions is at the other end of the hall." Sirius laughed, a manly, sexy, and did I mention manly? laugh, of epic manly portions.

"Proportions. The word you are looking for is proportions." Remus obviously knew nothing about the English language, Sirius Black thought with a laugh. He looked at the aforementioned Remus with a sultry look of pure sultriness-

"You look as if you have brain damage, you know. Probably do, actually…"

Of pure sultriness and sex that said, "That's right, you know you want _this_." He reached his left arm behind Remus, leaning it against the wall, his face mere centimeters-

"Meters."

-from the boy in front of him.

Just then, the door to the closet opened with a loud SMACK against the wall! Who was this fiend that had so rudely interrupted their moments of passion?

"You mean you staring at me while I leaned against a wall?"

It was not a fiend at all, but a random passerby who just happened to hear some familiar talking like noise from a closet.

Actually, it _was _a fiend. A very fiendish, obnoxious, nosy brother-type fiend by the name of Regulus Black. He kind of looked like Sirius, but he was shorter, younger, gayer, and far less sexy than his older brother who had clearly taken up all the good genes in the family.

Clearly one Sirius Black is mistaken, because his brother wasn't being nosy at all, but had just heard a noise and thought he migh-

"Oh for the love of- shut up!" Remus yelled, effectively silencing the two brothers. "No, no more! Stop it now! Sirius, you are going to Potions, Regulus, you are getting as far away from Sirius as possible because I am not sitting here and listening to a narration war."

"Sorry," they bot-

"What did I just say?"

"But it wasn't us!" Remus turned around and noticed a dark-haired, friendly looking girl standing behind them all, laughing at how silly they were being.

"Ugh. I'm leaving. You Blacks are going to be the death of me." Remus stormed off in a huff.

No, he walked off bitchily. Like he always does.

No no no, he moodily scampered away.

Andromeda, Sirius, and Regulus Black walked off down the hallway, arguing (fighting! waging epic battle!) over how one Remus Lupin had left their presence (company! pant area!).


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: Time for some more self-narration from those crazy Blacks. Haha. Just Sirius this time. Emily (Skittlez of all Things) co-wrote this part with me. )

* * *

The handsome, amazing, brilliant Sirius Black has often vocalized his mistrust of the scrawny, overly blond Slytherin Bartemius Crouch Jr. But, of course, being that Sirius Black is a gorgeous hunk of man, no one takes him seriously. Or is it Siriusly? 

'Sirius, shut up and stop trying to make puns with your name,' said Remus, making some vague attempt at ruining Sirius' fun.

'But Moony I'm having such fun,' Sirius purred seductively. He was trying to distract his favorite consort from the puns, so he gave him a sultry, sexy, purely lusty look that would make any bird's knickers melt off.

'Well, you know,' Remus said, clearly succumbing to Sirius' seductions. 'I'm not a bird.'

Cursing the heavens that Remus had not been overcome yet, Sirius pouted. He would have to keep trying, and so Sirius decided that a change of subject would make his beloved Remus forget his failure. 'I still don't see why you don't believe me about this Crouch kid,' Sirius said, quite perplexed that anyone would ever disagree with him.

Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius and laughed. 'Beloved?' he asked, startling Sirius for a moment. 'You're odd. Anyway, Barty doesn't do any harm. He's... a bit weird, but Regulus likes him, so he can't be that bad.' Remus clearly had no idea what he was talking about. The poor bloke was probably just mad with want for Sirius. It was beginning to affect his higher brain functions.

'I'm sorry but have you not seen the signs,' Sirius said in his manly voice. 'He's completely...something. Regulus' judgment of good and bad is warped enough with nutters like him and Bellatrix around.' Sirius knew that Remus wasn't thinking clearly because he was in the same room as the esteemed Sirius Black. But he would NOT give up!

'Sirius, I am thinking just fine.' Remus was clearly delusional. Sirius had that effect on him. 'Regulus is a big boy, he can make decisions for himself, and clearly he's chosen to be friends with Barty. Just let them alone.' Sirius looked at Remus, his face full of pity for his poor, poor brain damaged friend. 'I am not brain damaged!'

'Well as his one and only brother,' Sirius began, stressing the importance of brotherhood, as his poor brain damaged friend was an only child. 'I have chosen that he SHOULDN'T be friends with this loony.'

Remus gave Sirius a look that Sirius could only describe as a look of those with rotting brains. 'Sirius, you can't have control over every aspect of his life, it doesn't work that way. Besides, if you try, he'll just hate you for it.' Sirius gazed sadly at his friend, who clearly had no idea what he was on about. 'Oh, shut it, I know exactly what I'm on about, you're the one who is being a prat.' With that, Remus stormed off, leaving a bewildered and ever so sexy Sirius behind him.

'Moony!' Sirius wailed a sexy wail of anguish. His heart had been ripped out of his chest, he felt as if he could just fall down and die. His beloved Moony would never come to his side of the argument.

Remus stood at the end of the hallway, his back to Sirius. After a minute he turned around, a sigh causing his shoulders to droop. 'You are so ridiculous sometimes. Stop your carrying on and let's go back to the common room.'

'But I want to tell Regulus...' Sirius said, his voice wavering with heartbreak. '...Alright. I suppose we can go,' he finished as he sexily sauntered over to Remus.

Remus grabbed Sirius' very sexy and manly hand and swung it a bit between the two of them. 'You'll get over it,' he said.

'I might now,' Sirius said, basking in his successful seduction of the stunning Mssr. Moony. He squeezed Moony's soft hand with his rough manly one.

'You really ought to use some lotion or something, Sirius, your hand feels like an alligator,' Remus said, obviously trying to hide how very, very seduced by the irresistible Sirius he really was.

Sirius just laughed it off, as he knew that Remus was simply enjoying the feel of his manly, sexy hand. Wishing they were roaming across his fair, smooth skin with their rough texture. 'Don't be silly Moony.'

'Your hands are keeping away from my 'fair, smooth skin' until they start feeling like normal human hands.' Remus was just playing hard to get, Sirius knew. 'No really. I'm serious.'

Sirius pouted his sexy manly lips. 'I'll attend to it,' he said smoothly, knowing in his heart of hearts that Remus really did love his rough and masculine hands.

'You keep telling yourself that,' Remus said as they continued their way down the hallway. Were they off for some adventure? 'We're not.' Would Sirius get to trail his manly hands all over Remus' elegant body? 'Not with those hands you aren't.' Most importantly, would anybody ever believe Sirius about how evil Barty Crouch really was? 'Not likely.'

Sirius at last felt like he had been bested. But it was only Monday, so he would succeed in his quests. He would some day, possibly tomorrow, find Moony's smooth elegant body pinned under his. Someday, he would convince the world of Barty Crouch's pure and unadulterated brand of evil. Someday. But not today. He sighed with defeat.


End file.
